yuki-mirai

botanyshitposts

scientists in the 1990s, putting a Get More Purple gene attached to a harmless plant virus into an already purple petunia: please get more purple

the petunia, sensing an apparent honest to god Get More Purple Disease, using the previously undiscovered RNAi antiviral ability to shut down all other purple genes along with it just in case: you put VIRUS in petunia? you infect her with the More Purple?? oh! oh! her children shall bloom white! jail for mother, jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

flipocrite

clickityweasel

ultimatebottom69

podencos

I thought this was a joke but it’s not and I wish it were

poblacht-na-n-oibrithe

Hell world

desperate-acts-of-capitalism

Whoops I appear to have left my extremely powerful rare earth magnet on top of Amazon alexa

afro-satanist

Fear is knowing a new Alexa product is being developed.

Terror is knowing that it’s for landlords to control their units remotely, while being to see and hear everything in the rented space.

Horror is understanding that if a family is a few days late for rent/electricity/gas, this product will most likely cut off the services they may need to survive like WiFi access, stove/oven/microwave/fridge appliances having power, lights, medical devices that require electricity to function, etc.

800-dick-pics

deep horror is knowing that these devices will probably be set to unlock doors remotely allowing cops and abusers into the homes of marginalized people, these devices will probably have sensors to check how many people live in the home vs on the lease, probably will have some way or reporting that the residents are “breaking the lease” ie: loud music, having overnight guests, parties, or just people doing normal human shit and having it seen as a “violation”

desperate-acts-of-capitalism

Hope is knowing these things have the network security equivalent of a sign that says “please do not hack me” over an open door.

aceofaces20

If your landlord ever tries to force you to use Alexa, and you have little to no technical or programming expertise, it’s time to make your very own Faraday cage.

“What is a Faraday cage?” you might ask. “How will it help me defeat Big Sister Alexa?”

Easy answer: a Faraday cage blocks EM waves. WiFi, the thing Alexa needs to do anything of use at all? That’s a type of EM wave.

I know, I know, “Faraday cage” sounds like it’ll take 47727372 hours with a welder, right? Wrong!

A simple Faraday cage that anyone can make is as easy as a cardboard box with as many layers of heavy-duty aluminum foil as you can stand to coat the box with. I usually do about 5 layers because that number is easy to remember, but if you’re paranoid or simply need more layers you are more than welcome to add as many layers as necessary to keep Alexa at bay. I think the average is about 4-6 layers.

Hilariously, I actually learned this technique from those crazy prepper types. Which, ironically, is why I know it works. (Not to mention I tested it myself by wrapping my phone in foil and seeing if my roommate could call or message me.)

If your landlord notices, they will not receive any warning or notification that you tampered with Alexa- because you didn’t. All they will notice is that they can’t communicate with that particular Alexa device (because it will be “offline”, aka not sending or receiving signals).

A box is also easily hideable in case of surprise visits from the landlord or anyone else who might report you to your landlord, accidentally or on purpose. Just pop the bitch out, restart it (or don’t, this just clears any other hitches from the system) and it should behave normally.

Additionally, most landlords have the general tech expertise of an orangutan with a headset, so technical hitches are relatively easy to handwave with a good ol’ “Fire is scary and Edison and Tesla were witches”. Basically, if they question you about why Alexa suddenly is or isn’t working, shrug and say that it must have suddenly either just gone out or come back (depending on the situation), but that you didn’t do anything to it because you don’t know anything about that sort of tech and that you didn’t want to mess with it out of fear you would break it.

Note: Remember, Big Sister is always listening! If you wish to put the bitch in a Faraday cage, remember not to discuss it where Big Sister can hear you!

ultimatebottom69

Destroy Capitalism by using it’s vanity. Hit the lowest possible.

cassioburied

babyanimalgifs

This cute platypus

(via)

big-ass-magnet

I fully understand why westerners thought the platypus was a hoax at first. I’m looking at a real live one moving around and it STILL looks fake.

bogleech

The one thing that could have made them sound any more made up would have been if you said the boys have secret viper fangs that can absolutely fuck you up with venom, and they do, on their goddamn feet.

humanjeff

cursed platypus facts:
* five (5) X chromosomes
* only the left ovary works
* produces milk but has no nipples. the mother just kind of sweats milk out their chest. nature is beautiful
* was nearly called the “duckmole”
* swims with its weird fish eyes and ears closed, hunting entirely by electroreception
* born with teeth, but then they fall out

squeeful

turns out they’re also bioluminescent

isnt

rosygjrls

i want to be a cat. jobless. educationless. useless. there to be pretty and soft

dracomalfoyofficial

sycopomp

impaled

birdhug

you know when little kids are told to smile for the camera and they do the biggest grin bc they aren’t self conscious about their teeth yet they just give it their all.. that’s wat this looks like

you-had-me-at-e-flat-major

things I’ve said to my students

classical-crap

I teach little kids piano and these are some of the things I tell them and they seem to think I’m funny

“woah there buddy”
“be expressive, not aggressive”
“play staccato like you would play hot potato”
“yikes”
student: “why does posture matter?” me: “look at my hands when I’m playing with flat fingers. doesn’t that look weird? it looks kind of disturbing. don’t have flat fingers.” student: “you’re right”
“no no no don’t do that you’ll break your hand”
me: “what chord is this?” student: “g major. but can we name it carlos?” me: “…I don’t see why not”
“the man on my screensaver is dmitri shostakovich and you will learn to love his music, too”
“yeah this guy wrote angry music”
“we’re going to play this excruciatingly slowly. suffering is how we make progress”
me: “so a harp is basically just a naked piano.” my student: “so, you could say that inside a piano are the piano’s…organs.”
*miscellaneous sound effects and screeches*
*badly singing along as they play*
“composers were crazy. don’t ever let anyone tell you that mozart was sophisticated because he told some very bad jokes.”
me: “what interval is that?” student: “EL DIABLO”
“it’s going to sound bad, but that means you’re playing it right”
“please don’t play the piano with your elbows. you can try that at home”
“so the music says that it should be an f sharp but you played it as an f natural and I kind of liked that so we’re keeping it”
”if you can play this well I’ll accompany you with my plastic saxophone”